Silence, White, Character

I'm painting on a smooth 22 x 28 birch board and I Love the way the oils glide over the surface. It's my structure of choice but I usually go with canvas simply because it can hang without a frame. I painted this board in 2005 ...I can tell it's an older piece because there is no texture to it. Speaking of texture, my palette knife is missing!!

Travis usually tries to stop me when I start painting over an older piece. He looked at this one and said, "Now there's a painting you can go over!" It's so nice to see progress in my work. It's also a little unnerving to think I'm constantly going to want paintings back to rework!!

I've switched to classical music listening because my other choices were beginning to sound like noise. I need the enunciation of the classical variety to aid in clarity as I add layers. This painting is much like the piano music that's playing. I keep adding strokes of paint: ochre, umber, cerulean and sienna but it's the white that needs to remain crisp. The other colors mix and create harmonies but the white creates the overall affect ...just as silence creates structure in music.

White, silence ...much like character. No matter how much noise, how many times life strokes us with details (bills, conflicts, errands, responsibilities, blessings, relationships, etc) --if you know your character and what you're capable of ...if you keep that pure and true, the overall picture has structure and beauty.

Comforting to know that my style is continuing to develop and I can rework past pieces to give them more texture and stronger character!! Some former pieces remain the same and I'm happy with them, some will be tossed or reworked but all of them have their purpose. My whites may not always have been so crisp but I'm getting a better grasp of it's purpose!

Self Portrait

Evening and the Chili Peppers are playing, "I could have lied." I LOVE Anthony Kiedis' voice! I think he's the only celebrity I have ever been infatuated with!

It's dusk and the streets are wet. The mountains are hidden by the fog. Every time I look out the window I just want to continue staring at what isn't there. It's peaceful. I want the houses to scoot out of the way! Just an open landscape and room for my eyes to travel without bouncing off cars, stop signs, siding, telephone poles, etc. I love the rain. I'm working on giving my abstract self-portrait a make-over and I'd better find a way to give rain a presence because it is very much part of my portrait. I wonder how I can represent Kiedis' voice?!!

It's a bit odd but my portrait is based on a figure sleeping. I painted the original form almost two years ago. Jessie was a baby and Gavin was two so sleep was on my mind often! The only image that I felt really represented me was a peaceful sleeping figure! I know that just before going to sleep, I check-in, take inventory of the day, I think of the day ahead and I FEEL the most honest. Sleep is such a beautiful thing ...such a treat to restore, let go and communicate. This painting is often the first thing I see in the morning and I know this update will greet me well!! I wonder if it'll be a lifetime work in progress?!

Travis is working again ...but he'll have the next three days off! Jessie fell asleep early and Gavin is in Pipestone with his grandparents. I mentioned that his hair was getting long and he said, "I better call Grandma and see if she can cut it. Maybe I should stay in Pipestone tonight?!!" He called and he went! He even got to work with "Papa" (that's his grandpa) installing a window before heading over the hill. I know these "errands" are what allowed Travis to get an early grasp on how things work!!

Now the street lights are on and the music is off. The flame on my candle is so low, it's blue. Hmmm, it heard me writing about it ...now it's flickering and back to white and ochre. Chin-up little flame, you're doing great work!!

Tomorrow

10pm Gavin and Jessie are asleep. Travis is working until 5am. I've got the fireplace burning, humidifier running and laundry running. Tomorrow, Jessie is going to wake me saying she wants juice and Barney. I'll give Gavin an extra 20 minutes to sleep and then we'll rush to his preschool. I know the scene. I know I'll enjoy every sip of my first cup of coffee and then I'll have another just to hang onto that feeling. The second cup usually gets left unfinished somewhere between the office and the kitchen.

I'll feel the potential of the day as I walk the hallway from our bedroom into the kitchen. Something about hallways and stairs ...they make me see where I'm at from an outside perspective. Especially when I'm coming home, walking up the stairs to the front door --that's where I see me as the character someone is reading or viewing.

It's a beautiful life and I'm happy with our pace. Yesterday, Gavin walked into the kitchen with pink bunny ears on his head and two guns braced on his chest, aimed forward saying, "Mom, have you seen any suspicious characters around here?!!" We both laughed at the same time and I said he was the only suspicious one I'd noticed!! So much color in this life!!

Travis' carpool buddies stopped in-front of the house the other day. Jessie opened the door for her daddy, received her usual hug and kiss and then called to him, very clearly, "Bye Bye Sweetie!!" Travis replied with an amused laugh, "Bye sweetie!" Jessie looked pleased by the exchange!

Beautiful life, I just get this sense that I need to wake up to something else. I appreciate and cherish every moment but I'm missing something. I want to teach like Allie Vogt did at North Idaho College. I want to inspire and help to establish a healthy artistic community. I want to add something to people's lives. Routine ends up wrapping up my days because I have to step outside my comfort zone to reach others. But, I'm taking aim and that's the first step: the vision.

W A T E R

Water ...ahhh, such healing qualities. I overdid the sugar today and was ready to climb into bed and be done with the day. Instead, I filled a glass of beautiful clear, cold water and gulped. AHHHhh, dilution of the sugar and energy emerged!! I'm having another glass to fully awaken.

Music ...ahhh, such healing qualities! I know I feel best when I give without any expectations but today I became overwhelmed when extra efforts were ignored. I tried to snap out of disappoint and mental noise and nothing was working. I opened-up my itunes and hit the shuffle setting and boom dilution of the disappointment ...energy emerged!!

Bare feet ...ahhh, such simplicity can bring me such peace!

The emotion you invest will manifest

It's been months since I wrote that the "refresh button," on my computer, is taking energy that could be filling canvases. I guess the message didn't fully get through because it is a big habit (dare I say addiction) now.

I was snowboarding with Travis (my husband) and his brothers a month ago. We were on the chairlift at Big Sky and Josh and Joe were talking about their new phones and all the gadgets they were equipped with. I heard internet and thought, "I could check my email!!" I resisted actually asking for a phone but I did admit the itch was there to CONNECT!

My April 2010 "O Magazine" arrived last week. It has an article about kicking food addictions. I was thinking I needed to read it seeing as I have a couple of pounds I'd like to shed. Turns out, I didn't need (well, I needed some of it!) the advise towards my eating habits or view of my body. I don't beat myself up over my weight ...I don't (typically) snack to fill a void. I want to tone my body so that I have more confidence in more of a variety of clothes but I do love my body and all that it allows me to do. I love the strength these broad shoulders give me. My legs never seem to want to give out and my coordination is that of a Libra (balance!)

Here I had started reading the article about food addiction and I was directed to another addiction. The author, Geneen Roth (Women, Food and God,) lists other addictions besides food (for numbing): alcohol, work, sex, cocaine, surfing the net, talking on the phone. *Surfing the net, hmmmm ... pause to refresh my email!

I avoid silence by filling my days with online words and images. I try to get a sense of being connected, with a bigger picture (purpose,) by refreshing. When I paint, I stream in Netflix movies which prevent me from fully experiencing the painting. I just experience the action of putting paint on the canvas. I know silence has wisdom for me ...and I love to go there! Still, I've learned to just visit and not live in harmony. I need to fill-up with busyness and the results are paintings with random moments of beauty and moments of just plain filled space. Filled space, not emotion, because what I invest is what will manifest.

Therefore, this (writing) is where I'm aiming to have an outlet for these feelings ...a place to connect and replace a habit of numbing in-order to really connect. I think it is going to take quite a bit of writing to redirect my busy mind and find peace more often.

growth

Our Caymen plant is beautiful and healthy, bright green leaves and great posture. It stopped growing and seems content with its current stature. I think it needs a bigger pot to stretch to any new heights.
--My single thought

Habits

I'm having a glass of wine before bed. This has become a new habit of mine. It seems that red wines no longer give me headaches and I've taken advantage their relaxing effects.

I went to church this past Sunday and several topics surfaced during the service ...mostly during the time of silence. We were praying for forgiveness of our sins and I wondered how I was sinning. The first thing that came to mind was my obsession with my sister's life. Something like 80 % of my thoughts go to my sister’s life and how I can make it perfect for her. Perfect? What makes me think I know what perfect is for her? I knew that since my mind first went to this thought that I was likely focusing my attention in the wrong place. I prayed for help in returning my thoughts to my experiences here and now. I know I've been wasting my energy trying to do God's work in someone else's life when I should just let my sister's life plan unfold as it should without my interference. I know my obsession has been straining our relationship as well. My intensions made her feel that her life wasn't complete when I know she is living a beautiful life already.

I asked for guidance to let go of controlling what was none of my business and start living in a manner that brings about the sort of wonder and awe that I felt in church on Sunday. "May we see the glory of Your Presence among us" was part of a prayer and that is what I'm seeking.

Growing up, church always made me feel rebellious and angry after the service. It didn't strike the right cord but there is something about the interaction in this new church that lifts me up. It points to the glory and not the sin ...even though the sin was what I was contemplating on Sunday. We also remembered those whom have gone before us and I teared-up thinking about all of the meaningful people that are standing beside me in spirit now.

So, I came home and my email account starting freezing up on me. I was so frustrated that I knew it was an unhealthy habit I've formed. How many times do I need to hit the refresh button in a day?? So, I began painting and two paintings shortly after I realized how much energy I was diverting to Hotmail that can be used on creating, experiencing and witnessing the world I'm surrounded by/living in. Can a prayer be answered by a "Sorry for the inconvienience -site under maintenance" announcement?!! I think so.

What is it about announcing something that takes away all of its power for me?? You can bet that if I say I'm going to work-out 30 minutes on the elliptical everyday for 3 months that I won't. But, if I think without an out loud statement, something locks in inside. The thought is the engage button ...action has begun. The announcement is just wasted energy and something I feel I have to live up to for the one I've declared it to. If I've only got myself to quietly prove something to, I'll get going. Maybe other people's reactions take some power away from my focus?? I don't want to PROVE, I want to DO.

I watched "The Secret" a couple of years ago. It's the movie/book/audiotape that tells about the power of vision for your life. It talks about the power of the spoken word and visualizing with dream boards, etc. I've had several things happen that would prove the theory of "The Secret" right and I've reviewed my mindset when I've called these things in. The common factor was that I was calling in something that I knew was do-able, something that would make life more functional and beautiful and there was no greed or real deep down desire ...just "Emmm, that would be nice" sort-of thought. I feel a bit hesitant about WANTING something like success or financial gain even though I know that making a significant impact on the world often has these things in its wake. I think my hesitation holds me back when it comes to allowing my life to be used to demonstrate the glory of God's Presence among us.