A Feeling

It doesn't matter to anyone else.

This is the thought(above) that keeps playing in my mind. This concept really started nudging my brain in 2005! I was pregnant with Gavin and my energy was very low. I wanted to sleep. I wanted nothing to do with work or food. I didn't feel like myself at all and I was starting to wonder if that was the new me. I was trying to remember who I'd been before my body had so much to deal with.

I decided that I needed to exercise. I needed inspiration. I bought a pass to the Montana Tech fitness center and I started swimming. It took everything I had to get up to the college and swim. I felt so wonderful while there. I remember how I loved showering after my swim because my shampoo smelled so good and I'd done it; I'd gotten myself up there against all instincts to stay in bed!

I would tell Travis about my swimming invigoration and he would be happy about it all. Then, one day, I could not get up to Tech. I gave myself a hard time for it but the will power wasn't there. Travis came home from work and saw my swimsuit drying in the bathroom. He assumed I'd done my laps and didn't mention anything. When I told him later, that I hadn't gone, he said, "Oh, I thought you had gone." That was it ...a very simple statement but it amazed me. He thought I'd gone swimming and it didn't phase him. I'd thought that he was watching my behavior and measuring how productive I'd been and here, I could have gone swimming and it didn't phase him. It would have taken so much effort, on my part, and Travis really didn't care one way or another. That is when I realized that it's only really me that cares about my goals.

It's sort of liberating and at the same time isolating. I know that I have only myself to keep pushing but who is really going to share in the accomplishments?? I've had gallery openings and sold paintings for good prices but that doesn't change anyone's opinion of me. I've written a book and a children's story. Both excited me greatly and felt so wonderful to create. I had good feedback from the people I showed them to but they didn't change anyone's opinion of me. My identical twin sister comes to visit and people can't tell us apart even though she is 15 pounds lighter than me. This is proof that even if I got into the shape I'm working towards, no one's opinion will change ...in fact, most people won't notice the change.

I don't know how I would expect anyone's opinion to change. One of my friend's has ambitions to open a great business, one day. I see the grandious of it all in her eyes but it wouldn't change my opinion of her. Many friends want to get into fantastic physical shape, run marathons, buy a dream home, etc. None of that matters to me personally. It matters that friends have dreams and inspirations and motivation keeping them inspired. It matters if someone gets in a slump and stops seeing the beauty of life. The impression we leave on each other matters.

If friends don't care what I look like, what my talents and accomplishments are, why are we friends? What is it we seek in our relationships? We seek a feeling. It is so interesting, to me, to think that it really has so little to do with what we pursue and so much to do with how we respond to and value each other.

Travis didn't care so much whether I'd gone swimming (or not) back in 2005. He would have cared if I'd given in to self pity and drawn away from wanting to know how he was doing. He would have cared if I'd only talked about how great it was that I had gone swimming and not asked how his day had gone.

I will be happy for my friend when her business opens. I will celebrate with her. But the thing that I will be most grateful for is that we knew each other before it happened, during and after its realization. I will be filled up knowing that my presence during it all made a difference and that is what we're looking for. We're looking for our presence to make a difference.

Trinity

Snow on the mountains and fog all around this morning. My coffee tastes better than usual with the gray environment that is comforting and warm (inside.) I've been trying my usual tactics to calm my mind this morning. Music is playing and I've tried concentrating on my painting (which is nearly finishing) but synapses keep firing on the same subject: The Holy Spirit.

I went to the Gloria Dei Lutheran Bible study yesterday morning. It's a study of Lutheran beliefs. We were discussing the Trinity. First things first, someone chimes in saying that she'd never given the Holy Spirit much thought. She, and others, said that it is unknowable and just something that we mention in prayer every Sunday. I was so shaken by this that I swear I was levitating with aggravation. Pastor Adam tried to spark more conversation by quoting C.S. Lewis, etc. He seemed to catch the vibe and asked if this was a rabbit hole that the group felt was too deep to dive into. They said yes and continued on to ask which faiths didn't acknowledge the Trinity ...as though it was appealing to them.

I said how I felt about the Trinity. My feelings don't always come across as I'm trying to state them but basically, I said that I feel that Jesus is our example, God is a force so great that he is difficult to comprehend but the Holy Spirit is personal, a force given to us (within us) that strengthens with prayer (communication ...questions, acknowledging.) It is so personal that the only way I can describe it is as a light on inside. I cannot believe that members of the church, that grew up reading about the Trinity, can just call it rote terminology.

I was frustrated, when I got home. I told Travis all about the conversation. He went straight to the computer. I said, "You aren't going to Wikipedia Holy Spirit are you?!!" He googled it!! We also took out the Bible to cross reference the internet!! Travis just returned home from a week of fire training in Nevada ...I was so happy to have him home and doing his thing when it comes to questions ...finding answers!!

My favorite passage, that Travis directed me to, was Galatians 22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law." I thought about two incidences. Months ago, I got upset with a gas station attendant because she wouldn't get off of her a stool and do her job. I left there fuming because I'd gotten so worked up. I knew I was wrong to have been feeling that way ...I knew there was a better way I could have handled the situation. Then, days ago, two cashiers treated me in a short, rude manner. Again, I felt a rush of anger and wanted to say something. Instead, I thought about how terrible I'd felt the day at the gas station. I stepped back mentally. I decided not to make it personal and just see what was going on in the store. I realized that the two women were having a problem with each other. The whole environment felt toxic. I knew that I could easily have escalated the situation by making it personal. Instead, I thought about a lifting of the heavy mood and hoped it would have an effect on their day ...for the better.

When Travis read "self control for which there is no law" I remembered how I had felt at the store. I felt I'd been given something when I stepped back from the situation. I felt I'd been guided each step of that encounter. and I felt like I'd know how to encounter such energy again. I felt the opposite of the day at the gas station.

John 14:25-27 "These things I have spoken to you, while I am still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. "

The Holy Spirit is a very personal presence. The more I acknowledge and communicate with this source ...with the Trinity, the stronger I hear the peace Jesus spoke of.

Eve of 34

I love flowers. I really love flowers. I could stare at them all day long. I think that, if there was a brain scan done while I was looking at flowers, there would be heightened perks of activity as I take their details in. Especially in the right light, I love to observe flowers!! I'm loving more and more to garden and be surrounded by flowers that I'm caring for. A woman, that I once babysat for, had a plaque in her garden that said, "He whom plants a garden works hand in hand with God." That always resonated with me.

I love to pass on compliments and photos. Mom used to pass along compliments to strangers. I'd get embarrassed hearing Mom's sincere remarks knowing that she wasn't putting up any sort of cool facade ...she was saying exactly what entered her mind. Now I realize that complements, especially sincere ones, are rare and brighten up someone's day ...and there are a lot of people whom need their day brightened.

I like to pass on photos because not everyone thinks to take their cameras out if it's not a special occasion. Special occasions often mean we're not in our usual element and the photos don't reflect life as we experience it. I want to pass on photos that show life in it's natural state ...where the light brings out the best features. My favorite photos are of subjects that don't know they were being photographed.

I love to paint because I think God needs me to be creating something in order to be listening ...in-order to be useful. I love having a place to interpret what I'm experiencing because there is so much beauty to reflect.

October

Saying hello to 34 tomorrow! Julie, Stephanie and Sonia are coming over for coffee and bringing cake just before lunch! Annie is headed to Dillon but she and family will be back for Gavin's party on Saturday. Jessie is going to be on the road ...coming back from a week in Minnesota. I have a feeling that I'll feel her good energy headed towards me at 80 mph all day!!

Gavin and I had birthday celebrations, with all of the Trudgeon Family, last Sunday. Travis and I went for a ride, on the 4-wheeler, through the Pipestone mountains and up to Ringing Rocks, before dinner. Charlotte said we had an hour to run around. Just over an hour later, Travis asked if I wanted the main road or off road terrain? I said, "Main road!" He tried to sway my decision saying, "I haven't ridden these in years." Okay, I said. We ended up on a beautiful hill way up over the interstate. I was happy to have been persuaded in that direction!

Monday, we headed to the hills to cut firewood. Gavin was excited to try out his new work gloves and it was a beautiful day. As soon as all of the smaller logs were loaded, Gavin and Jessie decided to set-up camp in the truck. Travis and I loaded the trailer, I split my pants trying to push a tree the opposite direction that it wanted to go!! We got it though (with the help of tie downs!! You are right about tie-downs being great presents Jessie!!) Ten, or so, trees later ...we split a beer while the kids blasted excellent music from the truck. We were happy to have a soundtrack to go with our drink and our accomplishment! Now the house shall be warm for the winter. A fire is burning now!

Lulls

I've got a big pot of Tortilla Soup on the stove! It smells delicious. Jessie G is watching Dora and playing with play dough. I just walked by her and said, "You look like you need a kiss." She puckered up, received her kiss and continued on! Gavin got to go into the mountains (with his Grandpa) and see Daddy's elk! Jessie was sad saying, "I miss my brother." So we jumped on my bike and headed to Hastings to get a movie, play dough and a gum ball. That combo seems to solve the sister blues! I've got a case of the blues as well. There is no reason for it ...just an inward sort-of lull today. These come and go and there is often no reason for it ...well, besides the usual sways of the world and body. Where Jessie needs a bike ride, movie, play dough and gum ball, I need: a bike ride, delicious meals, painting (or a place to focus,) music and time to be quiet. We're very similar ...it's nice knowing lulls can be somewhat expected and uncomplicated. *Oh yes! FLOWERS = mutual blues breaker! (how could I forget?!)

Prayers and Returns

I feel the need to communicate after being computer-less for a week! I just walked outside to give the birds the last of our bread stash (end pieces and those nearing stale or moldy status.) I love when the little sparrows fly in and chirp chirp! My mom used to ask me if they said, "thank you thank you!" and now I see that they do say that! It's beautiful weather and our backyard has golden leaves -BUT- my sweet peas are still producing multi-colored cheerful blooms!

I started cleaning out the basement while the computer was down. I thought it'd be a huge task but it's turning out to be fun. I just pull one tote at-a-time upstairs, sort it, organize and bring what's not needed to the thrift store. It's not even too difficult to part with some of the kid's clothes. I thought that this process would have me pondering our decision to move forward with two beautiful children rather than having a third. I sort, think about where we've been, as a family, and appreciate where we are ...so appreciate where we are!

I've sent out a couple of prayers this past week. I'm impressed to have found that those prayers, for others, were precisely what I was in need of as well. I teared-up when the first one came around with perfect timing. It was simply a deep breath in the midst of chaos ...exactly what I'd wanted for a drive-through attendant at Starbucks. I thought it was a minor prayer that could make a nice shift for the man and it turns out ...it is quiet a significant prayer when realized personally.

The next prayer was for a close friend who has returned to old habits that were endangering his life, others and his marriage. My prayer was in the form of a letter that I gave a lot of attention to --wanting to make sure I didn't preach but reminded him of how very significant he is to me, to his family and the world he touches. I prayed that he would stop trying to escape to numb places and find the very simple things that bring him happiness and be present there. My computer crashed the day after I wrote that letter and I realized how very submerged I was in another world ...rather than the one that makes a difference HERE. I laughed at how obvious it was that another prayer had gone out and come around to me. Maybe I wouldn't witness the need of the prayer, for another, if I wasn't also in a similar place? All I am certain of is that the universe, God, has heard me and I've recognized several answers and I say "Thank You Thank You!!"

One of my Favorite Days Ever

Summer 2001 and I was living in Bozeman. I was renting a room in Travis, Drew and Chauncey's house. It wasn't like I was living with my boyfriend (now husband) because he was rarely home. He spent the summer working construction 70 miles away. This particular week, he was home. He was helping a friend do stamped concrete work. It was a 95+ degree day and he returned home very ready to hit the river and cool down.

I wouldn't have known, by his personality, that he'd been sweating and working hard in the blazing sun. He was singing and dancing around the house ...grabbing his swim trucks and running downstairs to make sure I was on-board for his outing. Alabama's "I'm in a hurry," started playing and I will love that song forever because it gave a soundtrack to Travis' great energy.

We jumped in his Jeep and drove 30 miles West to the headwaters of the Missouri. I'd never been there before. I had so much fun swimming ...more like gliding on the river's currents as the Jefferson and Madison joined forces. We ran up the Madison and floated along ...then back to the Jefferson and floated along!! I had so missed swimming; Travis introduced me to new currents and relief from a hot day.

We splashed over to a sandbar ...rather, a rockbar right where the rivers came together (so I guess that would be the Missouri!) We sat as currents, and small rocks were swept across our laps from both directions. We picked-up rock after rock, checking them out and tossing them on. Travis began singing, "Leavin' on a Jet Plane," in his deepest voice ...imitating "Bear" from Armageddon!!

I will never forget Travis picking up two good sized rocks and saying, in all fun, "Hey Mom!! Will you put these in your pocket!" It's like I saw my future and I was so completely amused!! He dove into the currents and quickly joined with the full-on Missouri River ...and so did I.

Our kids have asked me, on several occasions, to put large rocks in my purse or pockets ...to bring home. It makes me wonder if Travis remembered doing that as a kid, or if our children just think a lot like him!! I loved that day ...it has a soundtrack and everything!!