Sunset

I'm so good at sabotaging myself!

Enter Beastie Boys Lyrics:
"Listen All Of Y'all It's A Sabotage
I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
But I'm Gonna Set It Straight This Watergate" !!

I made frosted sugar cookies, before noon, today!! My sugar coma was induced by lunch time. I couldn't keep my eyes open ...so I didn't!! I feel asleep on our guest bed while listening to the kids' cartoon playing in the next room. The sun was coming through the window and I was wrapped-up in my new Navajo-style, warm blanket. Even with all of the noise and the bright room, I loved it. Something about taking a nap, on a bed I don't normally sleep on, wrapped in a new blanket that isn't fully familiar yet ...the combo made me think of naps at my grandparent's house.

I usually HAD to nap at my grandparent's. I had to nap because I often came into contact with fish and had allergic reactions. I'd take a Benadryl, Grandmother would give me a big, cozy blanket and I'd drift off. I'd sleep hard and long and wake-up to hear my mom's voice, happy and relaxed as she had coffee with grandmother or was helping to make dinner. My sisters and brother would be in and out of the house talking, running, switching the tv on and getting the crayons out. Granddad would be talking stock market or real estate and Dad would be running the lawn mower (or some similar scenario.) I always felt like I'd gotten this perfect rest amidst all the business. But, I loved the business too and was ready to resume my role in it all!!

I woke today, looking around the guest room and hearing all the activity in the living room. I felt like I'd been wrapped in grandmother's blanket. I got to wake-up feeling like a visitor in my house and in my life as I know it now. I got to remember how I felt then but then wake fully up and be in my own home. A sugar induced time traveling experience that ended up making me feel very connected to the generations of my family.

I didn't really feel motivated until 4pm ...just as Travis was getting ready for work. Dusk! I come alive as the light changes. I said, "I really am a sunset person." Travis laughed and said he knew I was. He declared himself a "sunrise" person awhile back. He said that sunrise people look forward to the day. I assumed that he was insulting me by saying that I look back at the day. Travis said, "What is your favorite thing to do?" HMmmm, I thought about it and he added, "What do you spend the most money on?" I thought about it again and he said, "Photography! ...that is you looking back at the day." I'm a little perplexed by the thought of this. I do lie in bed thinking about the day past ...not the one ahead. I'm thinking that this isn't the best way to live. It is my most natural state. This is one that I need some feed back on.

Are you a sunrise or a sunset person and how do you feel about it?

A Feeling

It doesn't matter to anyone else.

This is the thought(above) that keeps playing in my mind. This concept really started nudging my brain in 2005! I was pregnant with Gavin and my energy was very low. I wanted to sleep. I wanted nothing to do with work or food. I didn't feel like myself at all and I was starting to wonder if that was the new me. I was trying to remember who I'd been before my body had so much to deal with.

I decided that I needed to exercise. I needed inspiration. I bought a pass to the Montana Tech fitness center and I started swimming. It took everything I had to get up to the college and swim. I felt so wonderful while there. I remember how I loved showering after my swim because my shampoo smelled so good and I'd done it; I'd gotten myself up there against all instincts to stay in bed!

I would tell Travis about my swimming invigoration and he would be happy about it all. Then, one day, I could not get up to Tech. I gave myself a hard time for it but the will power wasn't there. Travis came home from work and saw my swimsuit drying in the bathroom. He assumed I'd done my laps and didn't mention anything. When I told him later, that I hadn't gone, he said, "Oh, I thought you had gone." That was it ...a very simple statement but it amazed me. He thought I'd gone swimming and it didn't phase him. I'd thought that he was watching my behavior and measuring how productive I'd been and here, I could have gone swimming and it didn't phase him. It would have taken so much effort, on my part, and Travis really didn't care one way or another. That is when I realized that it's only really me that cares about my goals.

It's sort of liberating and at the same time isolating. I know that I have only myself to keep pushing but who is really going to share in the accomplishments?? I've had gallery openings and sold paintings for good prices but that doesn't change anyone's opinion of me. I've written a book and a children's story. Both excited me greatly and felt so wonderful to create. I had good feedback from the people I showed them to but they didn't change anyone's opinion of me. My identical twin sister comes to visit and people can't tell us apart even though she is 15 pounds lighter than me. This is proof that even if I got into the shape I'm working towards, no one's opinion will change ...in fact, most people won't notice the change.

I don't know how I would expect anyone's opinion to change. One of my friend's has ambitions to open a great business, one day. I see the grandious of it all in her eyes but it wouldn't change my opinion of her. Many friends want to get into fantastic physical shape, run marathons, buy a dream home, etc. None of that matters to me personally. It matters that friends have dreams and inspirations and motivation keeping them inspired. It matters if someone gets in a slump and stops seeing the beauty of life. The impression we leave on each other matters.

If friends don't care what I look like, what my talents and accomplishments are, why are we friends? What is it we seek in our relationships? We seek a feeling. It is so interesting, to me, to think that it really has so little to do with what we pursue and so much to do with how we respond to and value each other.

Travis didn't care so much whether I'd gone swimming (or not) back in 2005. He would have cared if I'd given in to self pity and drawn away from wanting to know how he was doing. He would have cared if I'd only talked about how great it was that I had gone swimming and not asked how his day had gone.

I will be happy for my friend when her business opens. I will celebrate with her. But the thing that I will be most grateful for is that we knew each other before it happened, during and after its realization. I will be filled up knowing that my presence during it all made a difference and that is what we're looking for. We're looking for our presence to make a difference.

Trinity

Snow on the mountains and fog all around this morning. My coffee tastes better than usual with the gray environment that is comforting and warm (inside.) I've been trying my usual tactics to calm my mind this morning. Music is playing and I've tried concentrating on my painting (which is nearly finishing) but synapses keep firing on the same subject: The Holy Spirit.

I went to the Gloria Dei Lutheran Bible study yesterday morning. It's a study of Lutheran beliefs. We were discussing the Trinity. First things first, someone chimes in saying that she'd never given the Holy Spirit much thought. She, and others, said that it is unknowable and just something that we mention in prayer every Sunday. I was so shaken by this that I swear I was levitating with aggravation. Pastor Adam tried to spark more conversation by quoting C.S. Lewis, etc. He seemed to catch the vibe and asked if this was a rabbit hole that the group felt was too deep to dive into. They said yes and continued on to ask which faiths didn't acknowledge the Trinity ...as though it was appealing to them.

I said how I felt about the Trinity. My feelings don't always come across as I'm trying to state them but basically, I said that I feel that Jesus is our example, God is a force so great that he is difficult to comprehend but the Holy Spirit is personal, a force given to us (within us) that strengthens with prayer (communication ...questions, acknowledging.) It is so personal that the only way I can describe it is as a light on inside. I cannot believe that members of the church, that grew up reading about the Trinity, can just call it rote terminology.

I was frustrated, when I got home. I told Travis all about the conversation. He went straight to the computer. I said, "You aren't going to Wikipedia Holy Spirit are you?!!" He googled it!! We also took out the Bible to cross reference the internet!! Travis just returned home from a week of fire training in Nevada ...I was so happy to have him home and doing his thing when it comes to questions ...finding answers!!

My favorite passage, that Travis directed me to, was Galatians 22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law." I thought about two incidences. Months ago, I got upset with a gas station attendant because she wouldn't get off of her a stool and do her job. I left there fuming because I'd gotten so worked up. I knew I was wrong to have been feeling that way ...I knew there was a better way I could have handled the situation. Then, days ago, two cashiers treated me in a short, rude manner. Again, I felt a rush of anger and wanted to say something. Instead, I thought about how terrible I'd felt the day at the gas station. I stepped back mentally. I decided not to make it personal and just see what was going on in the store. I realized that the two women were having a problem with each other. The whole environment felt toxic. I knew that I could easily have escalated the situation by making it personal. Instead, I thought about a lifting of the heavy mood and hoped it would have an effect on their day ...for the better.

When Travis read "self control for which there is no law" I remembered how I had felt at the store. I felt I'd been given something when I stepped back from the situation. I felt I'd been guided each step of that encounter. and I felt like I'd know how to encounter such energy again. I felt the opposite of the day at the gas station.

John 14:25-27 "These things I have spoken to you, while I am still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. "

The Holy Spirit is a very personal presence. The more I acknowledge and communicate with this source ...with the Trinity, the stronger I hear the peace Jesus spoke of.