A Feeling

It doesn't matter to anyone else.

This is the thought(above) that keeps playing in my mind. This concept really started nudging my brain in 2005! I was pregnant with Gavin and my energy was very low. I wanted to sleep. I wanted nothing to do with work or food. I didn't feel like myself at all and I was starting to wonder if that was the new me. I was trying to remember who I'd been before my body had so much to deal with.

I decided that I needed to exercise. I needed inspiration. I bought a pass to the Montana Tech fitness center and I started swimming. It took everything I had to get up to the college and swim. I felt so wonderful while there. I remember how I loved showering after my swim because my shampoo smelled so good and I'd done it; I'd gotten myself up there against all instincts to stay in bed!

I would tell Travis about my swimming invigoration and he would be happy about it all. Then, one day, I could not get up to Tech. I gave myself a hard time for it but the will power wasn't there. Travis came home from work and saw my swimsuit drying in the bathroom. He assumed I'd done my laps and didn't mention anything. When I told him later, that I hadn't gone, he said, "Oh, I thought you had gone." That was it ...a very simple statement but it amazed me. He thought I'd gone swimming and it didn't phase him. I'd thought that he was watching my behavior and measuring how productive I'd been and here, I could have gone swimming and it didn't phase him. It would have taken so much effort, on my part, and Travis really didn't care one way or another. That is when I realized that it's only really me that cares about my goals.

It's sort of liberating and at the same time isolating. I know that I have only myself to keep pushing but who is really going to share in the accomplishments?? I've had gallery openings and sold paintings for good prices but that doesn't change anyone's opinion of me. I've written a book and a children's story. Both excited me greatly and felt so wonderful to create. I had good feedback from the people I showed them to but they didn't change anyone's opinion of me. My identical twin sister comes to visit and people can't tell us apart even though she is 15 pounds lighter than me. This is proof that even if I got into the shape I'm working towards, no one's opinion will change ...in fact, most people won't notice the change.

I don't know how I would expect anyone's opinion to change. One of my friend's has ambitions to open a great business, one day. I see the grandious of it all in her eyes but it wouldn't change my opinion of her. Many friends want to get into fantastic physical shape, run marathons, buy a dream home, etc. None of that matters to me personally. It matters that friends have dreams and inspirations and motivation keeping them inspired. It matters if someone gets in a slump and stops seeing the beauty of life. The impression we leave on each other matters.

If friends don't care what I look like, what my talents and accomplishments are, why are we friends? What is it we seek in our relationships? We seek a feeling. It is so interesting, to me, to think that it really has so little to do with what we pursue and so much to do with how we respond to and value each other.

Travis didn't care so much whether I'd gone swimming (or not) back in 2005. He would have cared if I'd given in to self pity and drawn away from wanting to know how he was doing. He would have cared if I'd only talked about how great it was that I had gone swimming and not asked how his day had gone.

I will be happy for my friend when her business opens. I will celebrate with her. But the thing that I will be most grateful for is that we knew each other before it happened, during and after its realization. I will be filled up knowing that my presence during it all made a difference and that is what we're looking for. We're looking for our presence to make a difference.