Monday, March 29, 2010

Trolling

Maybe we overdid the fun yesterday. Jessie G's flu returned as we returned home from fishing in Helena. She is a sad little thing with pale skin and bright red lips ...no energy today. She's sleeping now ...that should help.

I'm finally getting around to enjoying my coffee at noon. It's stormy looking outside and I love it!! Coffee and a lingering storm, sleeping child and a house to clean!! My parents are arriving, in Butte, tomorrow!! They're getting a hotel so the kids can swim. If the weather is good, Dad is going to help me build a big sandbox for Gavin and Jess (and neighbors!) I remember living in our sandbox! If Gavin and Jessie like the sandbox as much as I did, I should have numerous hours painting on the porch logged-in by summer's end. (Painting on the porch is like living in a dorm room ...with the door open! All of the neighbors stop by and chat.) The sandbox is going to be big enough for me to join in the digging to China adventures!

Travis LOVES to fish. I've mentioned this. Our boat is not very trustworthy. Well, the boat is, the engine isn't. Trav has spent hours, days, weeks working on the motor to get it to a reliable state. Yesterday, he wanted to drive to Helena and test out a second motor ...trolling motor and spare in-case of emergency (which is likely!!) He lit all up when I mentioned wanting to come along. He really lit-up when I bought my 2010 fishing license!!

Travis built a bracket for the trolling motor to sit in. He didn't spend much time on it because his work schedule has been full and he was eager to get in the water. But, he had confidence in the sturdy materials he'd used. Yes, I'm foreshawdowing!! The main motor didn't start but our objective was to test out the trolling motor. So, we left the safety of the dock and headed into Holter Lake and the Gates of the Mountains.

The smile was contagious! Travis was so happy with the trolling motor (that his cousin wants to sell to him.) He decided to speed things up and the engine dropped off the sturdy bracket!! Not all the way off but enough that Travis had to leap to get a grasp of it. It's terrible, but that was what I was expecting! I wasn't surprised in any way. Travis was! With a little team work, we moved the motor next to the non-running main motor and slowly made our way back to the dock.

When the timing seemed right, I said, "Didn't you think that was a possibility?"

"What? The bracket giving way? NO! Did you?"

"Maybe it's a mother-thing but I had pictured it!"

"You! You used the 'Secret' on us!"

I was thinking, If I had that kind of control over willing things/situations into our lives, we'd be in a new inboard ski boat with no gas exhaust to distract from the peaceful setting!! A great stereo system would only help to lure fish of good taste!! Add that to the list!
"I did not (use the Secret!) I just have to consider the worst case scenario so I know how to prepare!"

I had been thinking about where the cell phone was, the paddles, how hard it would be to hike up the mountainside and get to the truck, etc!! I'm not a pessimist but, we have had some adventures in that boat!!

We got back to the dock and the fly fishermen there were catching trout after trout! They were good sized too! Each one was catch and release and I could just see Travis thinking how delicious they would be smoked or grilled!! He worked and worked on the main engine, nothing. After about an hour he asked, "Can we just go out and troll around for a little while?"

We did and the kids loved it. Travis went into his element-state-of-being ...quiet and thoughtful ...taking it all in. I teased that most men have their "cave" setting in their homes. They have their rec room, sports center, garage, etc. but Travis' cave is his boat!! (It's nice that he welcomes the entire family so enthusiastically into his "cave!") It's good he has it ...I'm just looking forward to the day when it's not such an expected "adventure!"

Friday, March 26, 2010

Silence, White, Character

I'm painting on a smooth 22 x 28 birch board and I Love the way the oils glide over the surface. It's my structure of choice but I usually go with canvas simply because it can hang without a frame. I painted this board in 2005 ...I can tell it's an older piece because there is no texture to it. Speaking of texture, my palette knife is missing!!

Travis usually tries to stop me when I start painting over an older piece. He looked at this one and said, "Now there's a painting you can go over!" It's so nice to see progress in my work. It's also a little unnerving to think I'm constantly going to want paintings back to rework!!

I've switched to classical music listening because my other choices were beginning to sound like noise. I need the enunciation of the classical variety to aid in clarity as I add layers. This painting is much like the piano music that's playing. I keep adding strokes of paint: ochre, umber, cerulean and sienna but it's the white that needs to remain crisp. The other colors mix and create harmonies but the white creates the overall affect ...just as silence creates structure in music.

White, silence ...much like character. No matter how much noise, how many times life strokes us with details (bills, conflicts, errands, responsibilities, blessings, relationships, etc) --if you know your character and what you're capable of ...if you keep that pure and true, the overall picture has structure and beauty.

Comforting to know that my style is continuing to develop and I can rework past pieces to give them more texture and stronger character!! Some former pieces remain the same and I'm happy with them, some will be tossed or reworked but all of them have their purpose. My whites may not always have been so crisp but I'm getting a better grasp of it's purpose!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Self Portrait


Evening and the Chili Peppers are playing, "I could have lied." I LOVE Anthony Kiedis' voice! I think he's the only celebrity I have ever been infatuated with!

It's dusk and the streets are wet. The mountains are hidden by the fog. Every time I look out the window I just want to continue staring at what isn't there. It's peaceful. I want the houses to scoot out of the way! Just an open landscape and room for my eyes to travel without bouncing off cars, stop signs, siding, telephone poles, etc. I love the rain. I'm working on giving my abstract self-portrait a make-over and I'd better find a way to give rain a presence because it is very much part of my portrait. I wonder how I can represent Kiedis' voice?!!

It's a bit odd but my portrait is based on a figure sleeping. I painted the original form almost two years ago. Jessie was a baby and Gavin was two so sleep was on my mind often! The only image that I felt really represented me was a peaceful sleeping figure! I know that just before going to sleep, I check-in, take inventory of the day, I think of the day ahead and I FEEL the most honest. Sleep is such a beautiful thing ...such a treat to restore, let go and communicate. This painting is often the first thing I see in the morning and I know this update will greet me well!! I wonder if it'll be a lifetime work in progress?!

Travis is working again ...but he'll have the next three days off! Jessie fell asleep early and Gavin is in Pipestone with his grandparents. I mentioned that his hair was getting long and he said, "I better call Grandma and see if she can cut it. Maybe I should stay in Pipestone tonight?!!" He called and he went! He even got to work with "Papa" (that's his grandpa) installing a window before heading over the hill. I know these "errands" are what allowed Travis to get an early grasp on how things work!!

Now the street lights are on and the music is off. The flame on my candle is so low, it's blue. Hmmm, it heard me writing about it ...now it's flickering and back to white and ochre. Chin-up little flame, you're doing great work!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tomorrow

10pm Gavin and Jessie are asleep. Travis is working until 5am. I've got the fireplace burning, humidifier running and laundry running. Tomorrow, Jessie is going to wake me saying she wants juice and Barney. I'll give Gavin an extra 20 minutes to sleep and then we'll rush to his preschool. I know the scene. I know I'll enjoy every sip of my first cup of coffee and then I'll have another just to hang onto that feeling. The second cup usually gets left unfinished somewhere between the office and the kitchen.

I'll feel the potential of the day as I walk the hallway from our bedroom into the kitchen. Something about hallways and stairs ...they make me see where I'm at from an outside perspective. Especially when I'm coming home, walking up the stairs to the front door --that's where I see me as the character someone is reading or viewing.

It's a beautiful life and I'm happy with our pace. Yesterday, Gavin walked into the kitchen with pink bunny ears on his head and two guns braced on his chest, aimed forward saying, "Mom, have you seen any suspicious characters around here?!!" We both laughed at the same time and I said he was the only suspicious one I'd noticed!! So much color in this life!!

Travis' carpool buddies stopped in-front of the house the other day. Jessie opened the door for her daddy, received her usual hug and kiss and then called to him, very clearly, "Bye Bye Sweetie!!" Travis replied with an amused laugh, "Bye sweetie!" Jessie looked pleased by the exchange!

Beautiful life, I just get this sense that I need to wake up to something else. I appreciate and cherish every moment but I'm missing something. I want to teach like Allie Vogt did at North Idaho College. I want to inspire and help to establish a healthy artistic community. I want to add something to people's lives. Routine ends up wrapping up my days because I have to step outside my comfort zone to reach others. But, I'm taking aim and that's the first step: the vision.

W A T E R

Water ...ahhh, such healing qualities. I overdid the sugar today and was ready to climb into bed and be done with the day. Instead, I filled a glass of beautiful clear, cold water and gulped. AHHHhh, dilution of the sugar and energy emerged!! I'm having another glass to fully awaken.

Music ...ahhh, such healing qualities! I know I feel best when I give without any expectations but today I became overwhelmed when extra efforts were ignored. I tried to snap out of disappoint and mental noise and nothing was working. I opened-up my itunes and hit the shuffle setting and boom dilution of the disappointment ...energy emerged!!

Bare feet ...ahhh, such simplicity can bring me such peace!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The emotion you invest will manifest

It's been months since I wrote that the "refresh button," on my computer, is taking energy that could be filling canvases. I guess the message didn't fully get through because it is a big habit (dare I say addiction) now.

I was snowboarding with Travis (my husband) and his brothers a month ago. We were on the chairlift at Big Sky and Josh and Joe were talking about their new phones and all the gadgets they were equipped with. I heard internet and thought, "I could check my email!!" I resisted actually asking for a phone but I did admit the itch was there to CONNECT!

My April 2010 "O Magazine" arrived last week. It has an article about kicking food addictions. I was thinking I needed to read it seeing as I have a couple of pounds I'd like to shed. Turns out, I didn't need (well, I needed some of it!) the advise towards my eating habits or view of my body. I don't beat myself up over my weight ...I don't (typically) snack to fill a void. I want to tone my body so that I have more confidence in more of a variety of clothes but I do love my body and all that it allows me to do. I love the strength these broad shoulders give me. My legs never seem to want to give out and my coordination is that of a Libra (balance!)

Here I had started reading the article about food addiction and I was directed to another addiction. The author, Geneen Roth (Women, Food and God,) lists other addictions besides food (for numbing): alcohol, work, sex, cocaine, surfing the net, talking on the phone. *Surfing the net, hmmmm ... pause to refresh my email!

I avoid silence by filling my days with online words and images. I try to get a sense of being connected, with a bigger picture (purpose,) by refreshing. When I paint, I stream in Netflix movies which prevent me from fully experiencing the painting. I just experience the action of putting paint on the canvas. I know silence has wisdom for me ...and I love to go there! Still, I've learned to just visit and not live in harmony. I need to fill-up with busyness and the results are paintings with random moments of beauty and moments of just plain filled space. Filled space, not emotion, because what I invest is what will manifest.

Therefore, this (writing) is where I'm aiming to have an outlet for these feelings ...a place to connect and replace a habit of numbing in-order to really connect. I think it is going to take quite a bit of writing to redirect my busy mind and find peace more often.