Today started with a Yahoo headline that caught my attention. It was about a 24-year-old U.S. soldier, Spc. Bowe Bergdahl, from Hailey, Idaho who is being held captive in Afghanistan. The story caught my eye because Bergdahl looked terrible while the Taliban soldier looked giddy. When I read that Bergdahl was from Idaho, it brought the situation even closer. I called Jessie, in Idaho, to tell her about the headline and she thanked me for putting a downer to her day ...from the start.

My Aunt emailed just after that, saying that my Grandfather is getting weaker by the day. He has been on my mind ALL day long and tears keep flowing. He is 92 and has lived a very full life but it's hard to begin to let go of the head of our living family tree. He has created so many beautiful places. My mind loves to go back to his campground and swim in the deep water with the sugar sand beach ...and run on the rock wall that designated the boat harbor. I can easily put myself in his Crestliner boat, fishing in his favorite spots. Family stories, and family character shape so much of the future and GrandDad's are full of confidence, strength, humor and so so much perseverance. The fact that he is fading now is so hard for me to think about ...it's not in his character.

Jessie called at lunch and said 50 more people were "let go," including someone she's seen put his heart into the company. She was upset because so many coworkers are left with stress and questions NOW ...winter, Christmas, new year.

All I could do after our conversation was bake chocolate chip cookies. Strange choice but it seemed a necessity. Now, I'm left thinking about how our Christmas tree is lit-up all day long, but it's not until the darkness surrounds us that the tree really has a presence. Every decoration represents something of our history but I don't contemplate it until nightfall. GrandDad is a great hero in my life. He has the most handsome full head of hair, parted on the Left side. I part mine on the Left too. GrandDad's has a wavy curl that gives him such distinction. I am YOUR granddaughter, Grandfather.

I pray for all of those who are letting go during the holidays. I pray that the illumination finds you and that you are embraced by love. I pray that Bowe Bergdahl comes home, to Idaho, safely.

Sunset

I'm so good at sabotaging myself!

Enter Beastie Boys Lyrics:
"Listen All Of Y'all It's A Sabotage
I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
But I'm Gonna Set It Straight This Watergate" !!

I made frosted sugar cookies, before noon, today!! My sugar coma was induced by lunch time. I couldn't keep my eyes open ...so I didn't!! I feel asleep on our guest bed while listening to the kids' cartoon playing in the next room. The sun was coming through the window and I was wrapped-up in my new Navajo-style, warm blanket. Even with all of the noise and the bright room, I loved it. Something about taking a nap, on a bed I don't normally sleep on, wrapped in a new blanket that isn't fully familiar yet ...the combo made me think of naps at my grandparent's house.

I usually HAD to nap at my grandparent's. I had to nap because I often came into contact with fish and had allergic reactions. I'd take a Benadryl, Grandmother would give me a big, cozy blanket and I'd drift off. I'd sleep hard and long and wake-up to hear my mom's voice, happy and relaxed as she had coffee with grandmother or was helping to make dinner. My sisters and brother would be in and out of the house talking, running, switching the tv on and getting the crayons out. Granddad would be talking stock market or real estate and Dad would be running the lawn mower (or some similar scenario.) I always felt like I'd gotten this perfect rest amidst all the business. But, I loved the business too and was ready to resume my role in it all!!

I woke today, looking around the guest room and hearing all the activity in the living room. I felt like I'd been wrapped in grandmother's blanket. I got to wake-up feeling like a visitor in my house and in my life as I know it now. I got to remember how I felt then but then wake fully up and be in my own home. A sugar induced time traveling experience that ended up making me feel very connected to the generations of my family.

I didn't really feel motivated until 4pm ...just as Travis was getting ready for work. Dusk! I come alive as the light changes. I said, "I really am a sunset person." Travis laughed and said he knew I was. He declared himself a "sunrise" person awhile back. He said that sunrise people look forward to the day. I assumed that he was insulting me by saying that I look back at the day. Travis said, "What is your favorite thing to do?" HMmmm, I thought about it and he added, "What do you spend the most money on?" I thought about it again and he said, "Photography! ...that is you looking back at the day." I'm a little perplexed by the thought of this. I do lie in bed thinking about the day past ...not the one ahead. I'm thinking that this isn't the best way to live. It is my most natural state. This is one that I need some feed back on.

Are you a sunrise or a sunset person and how do you feel about it?

A Feeling

It doesn't matter to anyone else.

This is the thought(above) that keeps playing in my mind. This concept really started nudging my brain in 2005! I was pregnant with Gavin and my energy was very low. I wanted to sleep. I wanted nothing to do with work or food. I didn't feel like myself at all and I was starting to wonder if that was the new me. I was trying to remember who I'd been before my body had so much to deal with.

I decided that I needed to exercise. I needed inspiration. I bought a pass to the Montana Tech fitness center and I started swimming. It took everything I had to get up to the college and swim. I felt so wonderful while there. I remember how I loved showering after my swim because my shampoo smelled so good and I'd done it; I'd gotten myself up there against all instincts to stay in bed!

I would tell Travis about my swimming invigoration and he would be happy about it all. Then, one day, I could not get up to Tech. I gave myself a hard time for it but the will power wasn't there. Travis came home from work and saw my swimsuit drying in the bathroom. He assumed I'd done my laps and didn't mention anything. When I told him later, that I hadn't gone, he said, "Oh, I thought you had gone." That was it ...a very simple statement but it amazed me. He thought I'd gone swimming and it didn't phase him. I'd thought that he was watching my behavior and measuring how productive I'd been and here, I could have gone swimming and it didn't phase him. It would have taken so much effort, on my part, and Travis really didn't care one way or another. That is when I realized that it's only really me that cares about my goals.

It's sort of liberating and at the same time isolating. I know that I have only myself to keep pushing but who is really going to share in the accomplishments?? I've had gallery openings and sold paintings for good prices but that doesn't change anyone's opinion of me. I've written a book and a children's story. Both excited me greatly and felt so wonderful to create. I had good feedback from the people I showed them to but they didn't change anyone's opinion of me. My identical twin sister comes to visit and people can't tell us apart even though she is 15 pounds lighter than me. This is proof that even if I got into the shape I'm working towards, no one's opinion will change ...in fact, most people won't notice the change.

I don't know how I would expect anyone's opinion to change. One of my friend's has ambitions to open a great business, one day. I see the grandious of it all in her eyes but it wouldn't change my opinion of her. Many friends want to get into fantastic physical shape, run marathons, buy a dream home, etc. None of that matters to me personally. It matters that friends have dreams and inspirations and motivation keeping them inspired. It matters if someone gets in a slump and stops seeing the beauty of life. The impression we leave on each other matters.

If friends don't care what I look like, what my talents and accomplishments are, why are we friends? What is it we seek in our relationships? We seek a feeling. It is so interesting, to me, to think that it really has so little to do with what we pursue and so much to do with how we respond to and value each other.

Travis didn't care so much whether I'd gone swimming (or not) back in 2005. He would have cared if I'd given in to self pity and drawn away from wanting to know how he was doing. He would have cared if I'd only talked about how great it was that I had gone swimming and not asked how his day had gone.

I will be happy for my friend when her business opens. I will celebrate with her. But the thing that I will be most grateful for is that we knew each other before it happened, during and after its realization. I will be filled up knowing that my presence during it all made a difference and that is what we're looking for. We're looking for our presence to make a difference.

Trinity

Snow on the mountains and fog all around this morning. My coffee tastes better than usual with the gray environment that is comforting and warm (inside.) I've been trying my usual tactics to calm my mind this morning. Music is playing and I've tried concentrating on my painting (which is nearly finishing) but synapses keep firing on the same subject: The Holy Spirit.

I went to the Gloria Dei Lutheran Bible study yesterday morning. It's a study of Lutheran beliefs. We were discussing the Trinity. First things first, someone chimes in saying that she'd never given the Holy Spirit much thought. She, and others, said that it is unknowable and just something that we mention in prayer every Sunday. I was so shaken by this that I swear I was levitating with aggravation. Pastor Adam tried to spark more conversation by quoting C.S. Lewis, etc. He seemed to catch the vibe and asked if this was a rabbit hole that the group felt was too deep to dive into. They said yes and continued on to ask which faiths didn't acknowledge the Trinity ...as though it was appealing to them.

I said how I felt about the Trinity. My feelings don't always come across as I'm trying to state them but basically, I said that I feel that Jesus is our example, God is a force so great that he is difficult to comprehend but the Holy Spirit is personal, a force given to us (within us) that strengthens with prayer (communication ...questions, acknowledging.) It is so personal that the only way I can describe it is as a light on inside. I cannot believe that members of the church, that grew up reading about the Trinity, can just call it rote terminology.

I was frustrated, when I got home. I told Travis all about the conversation. He went straight to the computer. I said, "You aren't going to Wikipedia Holy Spirit are you?!!" He googled it!! We also took out the Bible to cross reference the internet!! Travis just returned home from a week of fire training in Nevada ...I was so happy to have him home and doing his thing when it comes to questions ...finding answers!!

My favorite passage, that Travis directed me to, was Galatians 22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law." I thought about two incidences. Months ago, I got upset with a gas station attendant because she wouldn't get off of her a stool and do her job. I left there fuming because I'd gotten so worked up. I knew I was wrong to have been feeling that way ...I knew there was a better way I could have handled the situation. Then, days ago, two cashiers treated me in a short, rude manner. Again, I felt a rush of anger and wanted to say something. Instead, I thought about how terrible I'd felt the day at the gas station. I stepped back mentally. I decided not to make it personal and just see what was going on in the store. I realized that the two women were having a problem with each other. The whole environment felt toxic. I knew that I could easily have escalated the situation by making it personal. Instead, I thought about a lifting of the heavy mood and hoped it would have an effect on their day ...for the better.

When Travis read "self control for which there is no law" I remembered how I had felt at the store. I felt I'd been given something when I stepped back from the situation. I felt I'd been guided each step of that encounter. and I felt like I'd know how to encounter such energy again. I felt the opposite of the day at the gas station.

John 14:25-27 "These things I have spoken to you, while I am still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. "

The Holy Spirit is a very personal presence. The more I acknowledge and communicate with this source ...with the Trinity, the stronger I hear the peace Jesus spoke of.

Eve of 34

I love flowers. I really love flowers. I could stare at them all day long. I think that, if there was a brain scan done while I was looking at flowers, there would be heightened perks of activity as I take their details in. Especially in the right light, I love to observe flowers!! I'm loving more and more to garden and be surrounded by flowers that I'm caring for. A woman, that I once babysat for, had a plaque in her garden that said, "He whom plants a garden works hand in hand with God." That always resonated with me.

I love to pass on compliments and photos. Mom used to pass along compliments to strangers. I'd get embarrassed hearing Mom's sincere remarks knowing that she wasn't putting up any sort of cool facade ...she was saying exactly what entered her mind. Now I realize that complements, especially sincere ones, are rare and brighten up someone's day ...and there are a lot of people whom need their day brightened.

I like to pass on photos because not everyone thinks to take their cameras out if it's not a special occasion. Special occasions often mean we're not in our usual element and the photos don't reflect life as we experience it. I want to pass on photos that show life in it's natural state ...where the light brings out the best features. My favorite photos are of subjects that don't know they were being photographed.

I love to paint because I think God needs me to be creating something in order to be listening ...in-order to be useful. I love having a place to interpret what I'm experiencing because there is so much beauty to reflect.

October

Saying hello to 34 tomorrow! Julie, Stephanie and Sonia are coming over for coffee and bringing cake just before lunch! Annie is headed to Dillon but she and family will be back for Gavin's party on Saturday. Jessie is going to be on the road ...coming back from a week in Minnesota. I have a feeling that I'll feel her good energy headed towards me at 80 mph all day!!

Gavin and I had birthday celebrations, with all of the Trudgeon Family, last Sunday. Travis and I went for a ride, on the 4-wheeler, through the Pipestone mountains and up to Ringing Rocks, before dinner. Charlotte said we had an hour to run around. Just over an hour later, Travis asked if I wanted the main road or off road terrain? I said, "Main road!" He tried to sway my decision saying, "I haven't ridden these in years." Okay, I said. We ended up on a beautiful hill way up over the interstate. I was happy to have been persuaded in that direction!

Monday, we headed to the hills to cut firewood. Gavin was excited to try out his new work gloves and it was a beautiful day. As soon as all of the smaller logs were loaded, Gavin and Jessie decided to set-up camp in the truck. Travis and I loaded the trailer, I split my pants trying to push a tree the opposite direction that it wanted to go!! We got it though (with the help of tie downs!! You are right about tie-downs being great presents Jessie!!) Ten, or so, trees later ...we split a beer while the kids blasted excellent music from the truck. We were happy to have a soundtrack to go with our drink and our accomplishment! Now the house shall be warm for the winter. A fire is burning now!

Lulls

I've got a big pot of Tortilla Soup on the stove! It smells delicious. Jessie G is watching Dora and playing with play dough. I just walked by her and said, "You look like you need a kiss." She puckered up, received her kiss and continued on! Gavin got to go into the mountains (with his Grandpa) and see Daddy's elk! Jessie was sad saying, "I miss my brother." So we jumped on my bike and headed to Hastings to get a movie, play dough and a gum ball. That combo seems to solve the sister blues! I've got a case of the blues as well. There is no reason for it ...just an inward sort-of lull today. These come and go and there is often no reason for it ...well, besides the usual sways of the world and body. Where Jessie needs a bike ride, movie, play dough and gum ball, I need: a bike ride, delicious meals, painting (or a place to focus,) music and time to be quiet. We're very similar ...it's nice knowing lulls can be somewhat expected and uncomplicated. *Oh yes! FLOWERS = mutual blues breaker! (how could I forget?!)

Prayers and Returns

I feel the need to communicate after being computer-less for a week! I just walked outside to give the birds the last of our bread stash (end pieces and those nearing stale or moldy status.) I love when the little sparrows fly in and chirp chirp! My mom used to ask me if they said, "thank you thank you!" and now I see that they do say that! It's beautiful weather and our backyard has golden leaves -BUT- my sweet peas are still producing multi-colored cheerful blooms!

I started cleaning out the basement while the computer was down. I thought it'd be a huge task but it's turning out to be fun. I just pull one tote at-a-time upstairs, sort it, organize and bring what's not needed to the thrift store. It's not even too difficult to part with some of the kid's clothes. I thought that this process would have me pondering our decision to move forward with two beautiful children rather than having a third. I sort, think about where we've been, as a family, and appreciate where we are ...so appreciate where we are!

I've sent out a couple of prayers this past week. I'm impressed to have found that those prayers, for others, were precisely what I was in need of as well. I teared-up when the first one came around with perfect timing. It was simply a deep breath in the midst of chaos ...exactly what I'd wanted for a drive-through attendant at Starbucks. I thought it was a minor prayer that could make a nice shift for the man and it turns out ...it is quiet a significant prayer when realized personally.

The next prayer was for a close friend who has returned to old habits that were endangering his life, others and his marriage. My prayer was in the form of a letter that I gave a lot of attention to --wanting to make sure I didn't preach but reminded him of how very significant he is to me, to his family and the world he touches. I prayed that he would stop trying to escape to numb places and find the very simple things that bring him happiness and be present there. My computer crashed the day after I wrote that letter and I realized how very submerged I was in another world ...rather than the one that makes a difference HERE. I laughed at how obvious it was that another prayer had gone out and come around to me. Maybe I wouldn't witness the need of the prayer, for another, if I wasn't also in a similar place? All I am certain of is that the universe, God, has heard me and I've recognized several answers and I say "Thank You Thank You!!"

One of my Favorite Days Ever

Summer 2001 and I was living in Bozeman. I was renting a room in Travis, Drew and Chauncey's house. It wasn't like I was living with my boyfriend (now husband) because he was rarely home. He spent the summer working construction 70 miles away. This particular week, he was home. He was helping a friend do stamped concrete work. It was a 95+ degree day and he returned home very ready to hit the river and cool down.

I wouldn't have known, by his personality, that he'd been sweating and working hard in the blazing sun. He was singing and dancing around the house ...grabbing his swim trucks and running downstairs to make sure I was on-board for his outing. Alabama's "I'm in a hurry," started playing and I will love that song forever because it gave a soundtrack to Travis' great energy.

We jumped in his Jeep and drove 30 miles West to the headwaters of the Missouri. I'd never been there before. I had so much fun swimming ...more like gliding on the river's currents as the Jefferson and Madison joined forces. We ran up the Madison and floated along ...then back to the Jefferson and floated along!! I had so missed swimming; Travis introduced me to new currents and relief from a hot day.

We splashed over to a sandbar ...rather, a rockbar right where the rivers came together (so I guess that would be the Missouri!) We sat as currents, and small rocks were swept across our laps from both directions. We picked-up rock after rock, checking them out and tossing them on. Travis began singing, "Leavin' on a Jet Plane," in his deepest voice ...imitating "Bear" from Armageddon!!

I will never forget Travis picking up two good sized rocks and saying, in all fun, "Hey Mom!! Will you put these in your pocket!" It's like I saw my future and I was so completely amused!! He dove into the currents and quickly joined with the full-on Missouri River ...and so did I.

Our kids have asked me, on several occasions, to put large rocks in my purse or pockets ...to bring home. It makes me wonder if Travis remembered doing that as a kid, or if our children just think a lot like him!! I loved that day ...it has a soundtrack and everything!!

The Inspired Yield Inspiration!

I swam and I swam and I swam until my head cleared and my arms loosened and cut through the water properly. The sunshine came through the window and poured down to the bottom of the pool. I loved watching my hands catch the light and glow ...reminding me of swimming in Lake Geneva as a kid. By the time I left the Y, my SELF felt restored ...but it faded again when I reached home. It's back after mowing the lawn, reading a friend's blog and my sister's stories of New York. The inspired yield inspiration and I'm so blessed to have many people to look to when I need a bit extra in my day.

splashing feet

I swam laps when I was pregnant with both Gavin and Jessie G. It was strange how the thought of a white toy box always popped into my thoughts as I swam ...during both pregnancies. Today, I swam laps while Gavin ran beside me. Jessie was in swimming lessons and Gavin was humoring me with his imitation of the strokes I was doing. His growing, little feet marked the end of one lap ...as he sat on the edge spashing. It is amazing when visions are realized. I didn't have a white toy box in that moment ...I had the pure treasure that it represented beside me.

Summer

I just checked the 10 day forecast and it's all sunshine and 70-80 degrees!! Summer may have actually come to stay (for a couple of months!!) Everyone has been writing about playing in the sunshine, on Facebook. I can imagine God smiling, seeing us all savoring the moments of non-gloom after so much gray rain. That is a good thing about weather and health ...when it is restored it is so nice!!

The grass in our yard was 2 feet high when we returned from three weeks in Minnesota. It took several passes, with the lawnmower and weed wacker, to get it groomed and playable again! Another good thing about chaos ...when order is restored ...ahh it's delightful!! Of-course, chaos here and there is refreshing too!!

Our basement also took a hit while we were gone = water on the floors caused me to take inventory of what was in storage. I had to pull out old, old drawings and paintings that were soaked. They are scattered throughout our bedroom, drying ...and reminding me that continuous attention to certain skills DOES make a difference!!

Now the gardens are all weeded and ready for new plants and seeds! I have a white canvas ready for first impressions. And, we have a list of things to improve on the house while the weather is with us!!

Responding

I'm painting, watching Season I of "Prison Break", drinking wine and having some popcorn tonight! I asked Travis for his opinion on my newest rose painting and he said to make it looser. The wine is helping with that!! Loose is my favorite style so I'm happy to go with Trav's advise!

It's foggy, again, outside and the lights are about to go down. Jessie was starving earlier. I grilled hamburgers, made smoothies and was asking if she wanted her burger on a bun ...only to find she was sound asleep on the recliner. There was no waking her!

Travis and Gavin bought lilies and roses for my Mother's Day gift! They are so beautiful. Every time I walk by them, I admire them! I decided to stand and figure out what it was exactly that I was admiring.

In the past, I've been so impressed by roses because of (partially) their long, thorny stems (unless they are my roses in the backyard ...then the stem isn't so long but the support system is there and the scent even more amazing!) supporting an intricate family of ruffled petals. The stem holds it's every effort at it's fingertips. The colors ahhh! and the meeting of the stem and petals, like a star -anchoring, cupping silk folds *I Love Admiring flowers ...especially roses ...especially sweet peas when they are nearby ...and peonies ...petunias and cosmos!! I LOVE flowers.

On our way home from Sandpoint, I told Gavin that Sunday was Mother's Day. He lit up and said, "Can I get you a present?!!" I said, "I'd love that!!" He said, "Maybe FLOWERS!" Like he knew what my favorite surprise would be but it was still a secret! Travis said, "He's got you figured out!!"

This particular bouquet of flowers, sitting beside me, is mostly peach and white; lilies and roses with a couple brighter roses of red and pink to set it off!! I was analyzing it, a moment ago ...trying to figure out why it was affecting me so strongly (and it's not just under the persuasion of wine!) It's the basic hue (peach) set off by the light and then the red!! --with pink to pull it all together! I decided to take in what I was responding to ...rather than just responding and it makes everything more alive!! If I took a moment to figure out what I'm responding to with more of the interactions in my life ...every moment would be more alive. This is what the roses have been hinting at all along.

Drinking wine and talking about roses (and craving chocolate!!) At least I've been mixing it all up with an action, suspense television show on Netflix! Time to respond to this painting with a brush of loose strokes!!

Green

I'm just out of an evening bath with flower-smelling hair and pajamas to make all feel in its place. Travis is working but has the next three days off. Gavin and Jessie are watching "The Gummie Bears" before heading to bed.

It rained today. The kids, and I, walked to the park and were enjoying swinging and sliding when sprinkles started to fall. Gavin told me to put my camera away so it wouldn't be ruined in the rain. Funny the things he observes at such an age (4!) Travis drove up to give us a ride home and we ended up going grocery shopping together. Well, it turns out that "3 Bears" grocery store now has a large sporting goods section! I did the grocery shopping while Travis picked out lures!

I've been finishing paintings for the May 6th artwalk in uptown Butte. I added hanging wire to all of the completed work and stacked them together against a wall. I hadn't noticed that green is the dominate color lately! It is what's on my mind however: green grass, trees, spring growth!! My abstract self-portrait is done now! I open my eyes to it every morning and it makes me smile (not much green in it!) I love that I have painting, photography and writing to express myself. I'm a bit obsessive with the photography but the painting brings a nice balance to my life. I dab color, when I take a moment, and soon ...there is a canvas filled with something of my life.

Have I mentioned that I'm in love with this life? I'm thankful every moment for this connection to such a time, such a place ...such people and so many more to know. I feel, sometimes, like I'm glowing inside ...with incredible love. Travis has been teasing me because I've mentioned how it feels like we're (kids and I) always on vacation!! We've struck this rhythm together where each of us does our thing but we have lots of fun time as a family as well. Travis has to work crazy hours but in-between, we have a lot of fun!

Last week felt like the kick-off to summer. Jessie G and I went to a branding at the Patrick Ranch on Saturday. Sunday, a bunch of us drove to the Ringing Rocks and climbed around and then had a bonfire at golden hour (I overdid the photo taking a bit ...felt like I missed being PRESENT for a good part of that gathering because I was snapping photos.) It was like a big prayer being up on the mountain at sunset. Monday, the four of us floated down the Madison River ...catching no fish but enjoying water, wildlife and "family time." Every time one of the kids (or me!) would tangle our fishing line, loose a lure, have paddle to the riverbank for a pee break, we would say, "Family Time!!" reminding ourselves that the main objective wasn't the fish!

Green ...back in the swing of frequent outdoor life.

Brand New

I'm signed-up for the May and July Art Walks in Butte. The Artwalk gets me to complete work: paint edges, hang wires and finish final details that I otherwise wouldn't rush to get done. I'm working on a 22 x 28" rose oil for my cousin's wedding in June. It's flowing nicely now ...feeling good.

Gavin and Jessie spent the night with their grandparents last night. Jessie came home with her hair trimmed (Grandma is multi-talented!) and both kids were in fresh clothes. My sister says she can tell when the kids have been in Pipestone because I talk about them like they're brand new to me! It is so nice to recharge and miss them at the same time. Especially with hair cuts = I get to see them in new light.

Gavin got new Spiderman pajamas from my parents. They are for summer so the top is sleeveless and the bottoms are shorts. He put the set on and started running around like a boxer/martial arts combo. I'd mentioned that the shirt showed off his big muscles and he was way into that!! I think he needs an organized sport soon!!

Jessie is becoming more stubborn and beautiful. I don't think that's a common pair but it's interesting! She's more work but she's also like a beautiful flower that I just want to take in. She loves being outside, taking her shoes off and admiring the birds! She's independent but she also loves to share. Gavin has such a different personality, from mine, that I watch him to learn. He welcomes people naturally. I watch Jessie thinking I must have been a lot like her as a girl. She likes her independence but also wants to share everything that brightens her day.

Trolling

Maybe we overdid the fun yesterday. Jessie G's flu returned as we returned home from fishing in Helena. She is a sad little thing with pale skin and bright red lips ...no energy today. She's sleeping now ...that should help.

I'm finally getting around to enjoying my coffee at noon. It's stormy looking outside and I love it!! Coffee and a lingering storm, sleeping child and a house to clean!! My parents are arriving, in Butte, tomorrow!! They're getting a hotel so the kids can swim. If the weather is good, Dad is going to help me build a big sandbox for Gavin and Jess (and neighbors!) I remember living in our sandbox! If Gavin and Jessie like the sandbox as much as I did, I should have numerous hours painting on the porch logged-in by summer's end. (Painting on the porch is like living in a dorm room ...with the door open! All of the neighbors stop by and chat.) The sandbox is going to be big enough for me to join in the digging to China adventures!

Travis LOVES to fish. I've mentioned this. Our boat is not very trustworthy. Well, the boat is, the engine isn't. Trav has spent hours, days, weeks working on the motor to get it to a reliable state. Yesterday, he wanted to drive to Helena and test out a second motor ...trolling motor and spare in-case of emergency (which is likely!!) He lit all up when I mentioned wanting to come along. He really lit-up when I bought my 2010 fishing license!!

Travis built a bracket for the trolling motor to sit in. He didn't spend much time on it because his work schedule has been full and he was eager to get in the water. But, he had confidence in the sturdy materials he'd used. Yes, I'm foreshawdowing!! The main motor didn't start but our objective was to test out the trolling motor. So, we left the safety of the dock and headed into Holter Lake and the Gates of the Mountains.

The smile was contagious! Travis was so happy with the trolling motor (that his cousin wants to sell to him.) He decided to speed things up and the engine dropped off the sturdy bracket!! Not all the way off but enough that Travis had to leap to get a grasp of it. It's terrible, but that was what I was expecting! I wasn't surprised in any way. Travis was! With a little team work, we moved the motor next to the non-running main motor and slowly made our way back to the dock.

When the timing seemed right, I said, "Didn't you think that was a possibility?"

"What? The bracket giving way? NO! Did you?"

"Maybe it's a mother-thing but I had pictured it!"

"You! You used the 'Secret' on us!"

I was thinking, If I had that kind of control over willing things/situations into our lives, we'd be in a new inboard ski boat with no gas exhaust to distract from the peaceful setting!! A great stereo system would only help to lure fish of good taste!! Add that to the list!
"I did not (use the Secret!) I just have to consider the worst case scenario so I know how to prepare!"

I had been thinking about where the cell phone was, the paddles, how hard it would be to hike up the mountainside and get to the truck, etc!! I'm not a pessimist but, we have had some adventures in that boat!!

We got back to the dock and the fly fishermen there were catching trout after trout! They were good sized too! Each one was catch and release and I could just see Travis thinking how delicious they would be smoked or grilled!! He worked and worked on the main engine, nothing. After about an hour he asked, "Can we just go out and troll around for a little while?"

We did and the kids loved it. Travis went into his element-state-of-being ...quiet and thoughtful ...taking it all in. I teased that most men have their "cave" setting in their homes. They have their rec room, sports center, garage, etc. but Travis' cave is his boat!! (It's nice that he welcomes the entire family so enthusiastically into his "cave!") It's good he has it ...I'm just looking forward to the day when it's not such an expected "adventure!"

Silence, White, Character

I'm painting on a smooth 22 x 28 birch board and I Love the way the oils glide over the surface. It's my structure of choice but I usually go with canvas simply because it can hang without a frame. I painted this board in 2005 ...I can tell it's an older piece because there is no texture to it. Speaking of texture, my palette knife is missing!!

Travis usually tries to stop me when I start painting over an older piece. He looked at this one and said, "Now there's a painting you can go over!" It's so nice to see progress in my work. It's also a little unnerving to think I'm constantly going to want paintings back to rework!!

I've switched to classical music listening because my other choices were beginning to sound like noise. I need the enunciation of the classical variety to aid in clarity as I add layers. This painting is much like the piano music that's playing. I keep adding strokes of paint: ochre, umber, cerulean and sienna but it's the white that needs to remain crisp. The other colors mix and create harmonies but the white creates the overall affect ...just as silence creates structure in music.

White, silence ...much like character. No matter how much noise, how many times life strokes us with details (bills, conflicts, errands, responsibilities, blessings, relationships, etc) --if you know your character and what you're capable of ...if you keep that pure and true, the overall picture has structure and beauty.

Comforting to know that my style is continuing to develop and I can rework past pieces to give them more texture and stronger character!! Some former pieces remain the same and I'm happy with them, some will be tossed or reworked but all of them have their purpose. My whites may not always have been so crisp but I'm getting a better grasp of it's purpose!

Self Portrait

Evening and the Chili Peppers are playing, "I could have lied." I LOVE Anthony Kiedis' voice! I think he's the only celebrity I have ever been infatuated with!

It's dusk and the streets are wet. The mountains are hidden by the fog. Every time I look out the window I just want to continue staring at what isn't there. It's peaceful. I want the houses to scoot out of the way! Just an open landscape and room for my eyes to travel without bouncing off cars, stop signs, siding, telephone poles, etc. I love the rain. I'm working on giving my abstract self-portrait a make-over and I'd better find a way to give rain a presence because it is very much part of my portrait. I wonder how I can represent Kiedis' voice?!!

It's a bit odd but my portrait is based on a figure sleeping. I painted the original form almost two years ago. Jessie was a baby and Gavin was two so sleep was on my mind often! The only image that I felt really represented me was a peaceful sleeping figure! I know that just before going to sleep, I check-in, take inventory of the day, I think of the day ahead and I FEEL the most honest. Sleep is such a beautiful thing ...such a treat to restore, let go and communicate. This painting is often the first thing I see in the morning and I know this update will greet me well!! I wonder if it'll be a lifetime work in progress?!

Travis is working again ...but he'll have the next three days off! Jessie fell asleep early and Gavin is in Pipestone with his grandparents. I mentioned that his hair was getting long and he said, "I better call Grandma and see if she can cut it. Maybe I should stay in Pipestone tonight?!!" He called and he went! He even got to work with "Papa" (that's his grandpa) installing a window before heading over the hill. I know these "errands" are what allowed Travis to get an early grasp on how things work!!

Now the street lights are on and the music is off. The flame on my candle is so low, it's blue. Hmmm, it heard me writing about it ...now it's flickering and back to white and ochre. Chin-up little flame, you're doing great work!!

Tomorrow

10pm Gavin and Jessie are asleep. Travis is working until 5am. I've got the fireplace burning, humidifier running and laundry running. Tomorrow, Jessie is going to wake me saying she wants juice and Barney. I'll give Gavin an extra 20 minutes to sleep and then we'll rush to his preschool. I know the scene. I know I'll enjoy every sip of my first cup of coffee and then I'll have another just to hang onto that feeling. The second cup usually gets left unfinished somewhere between the office and the kitchen.

I'll feel the potential of the day as I walk the hallway from our bedroom into the kitchen. Something about hallways and stairs ...they make me see where I'm at from an outside perspective. Especially when I'm coming home, walking up the stairs to the front door --that's where I see me as the character someone is reading or viewing.

It's a beautiful life and I'm happy with our pace. Yesterday, Gavin walked into the kitchen with pink bunny ears on his head and two guns braced on his chest, aimed forward saying, "Mom, have you seen any suspicious characters around here?!!" We both laughed at the same time and I said he was the only suspicious one I'd noticed!! So much color in this life!!

Travis' carpool buddies stopped in-front of the house the other day. Jessie opened the door for her daddy, received her usual hug and kiss and then called to him, very clearly, "Bye Bye Sweetie!!" Travis replied with an amused laugh, "Bye sweetie!" Jessie looked pleased by the exchange!

Beautiful life, I just get this sense that I need to wake up to something else. I appreciate and cherish every moment but I'm missing something. I want to teach like Allie Vogt did at North Idaho College. I want to inspire and help to establish a healthy artistic community. I want to add something to people's lives. Routine ends up wrapping up my days because I have to step outside my comfort zone to reach others. But, I'm taking aim and that's the first step: the vision.

W A T E R

Water ...ahhh, such healing qualities. I overdid the sugar today and was ready to climb into bed and be done with the day. Instead, I filled a glass of beautiful clear, cold water and gulped. AHHHhh, dilution of the sugar and energy emerged!! I'm having another glass to fully awaken.

Music ...ahhh, such healing qualities! I know I feel best when I give without any expectations but today I became overwhelmed when extra efforts were ignored. I tried to snap out of disappoint and mental noise and nothing was working. I opened-up my itunes and hit the shuffle setting and boom dilution of the disappointment ...energy emerged!!

Bare feet ...ahhh, such simplicity can bring me such peace!

The emotion you invest will manifest

It's been months since I wrote that the "refresh button," on my computer, is taking energy that could be filling canvases. I guess the message didn't fully get through because it is a big habit (dare I say addiction) now.

I was snowboarding with Travis (my husband) and his brothers a month ago. We were on the chairlift at Big Sky and Josh and Joe were talking about their new phones and all the gadgets they were equipped with. I heard internet and thought, "I could check my email!!" I resisted actually asking for a phone but I did admit the itch was there to CONNECT!

My April 2010 "O Magazine" arrived last week. It has an article about kicking food addictions. I was thinking I needed to read it seeing as I have a couple of pounds I'd like to shed. Turns out, I didn't need (well, I needed some of it!) the advise towards my eating habits or view of my body. I don't beat myself up over my weight ...I don't (typically) snack to fill a void. I want to tone my body so that I have more confidence in more of a variety of clothes but I do love my body and all that it allows me to do. I love the strength these broad shoulders give me. My legs never seem to want to give out and my coordination is that of a Libra (balance!)

Here I had started reading the article about food addiction and I was directed to another addiction. The author, Geneen Roth (Women, Food and God,) lists other addictions besides food (for numbing): alcohol, work, sex, cocaine, surfing the net, talking on the phone. *Surfing the net, hmmmm ... pause to refresh my email!

I avoid silence by filling my days with online words and images. I try to get a sense of being connected, with a bigger picture (purpose,) by refreshing. When I paint, I stream in Netflix movies which prevent me from fully experiencing the painting. I just experience the action of putting paint on the canvas. I know silence has wisdom for me ...and I love to go there! Still, I've learned to just visit and not live in harmony. I need to fill-up with busyness and the results are paintings with random moments of beauty and moments of just plain filled space. Filled space, not emotion, because what I invest is what will manifest.

Therefore, this (writing) is where I'm aiming to have an outlet for these feelings ...a place to connect and replace a habit of numbing in-order to really connect. I think it is going to take quite a bit of writing to redirect my busy mind and find peace more often.